I'm so fucking centered right now
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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