I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
