I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I need moral support for this bender
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
