I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
