I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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