You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
