My liver just broke up with me...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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