Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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