Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
