i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
