That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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