Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
