i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
