Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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