god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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