Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
