I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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