I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
