I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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