so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
