I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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