i permit you to call me
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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