The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
