oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
i now understand why vodka
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
