I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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