i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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