the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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