I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
