the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
