I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
