peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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