I can text with my tongue
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
