Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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