It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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