Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
