I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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