Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
