you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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