His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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