The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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