When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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