On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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