The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
