The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
