I hope mine doesn't look like that
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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