Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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