We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
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