There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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