if you like me you must not know who I am
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
