no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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