I wish I only lived at night.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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