i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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