I just pynch a tree in the face
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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