we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
