he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
