Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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