I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
