I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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