I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I would ride that face into the sunset
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
