i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
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Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
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I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German